i sincerely think suicide is not bad, it's not good but i sincerely dont get why its frowned upon or whatver. every single time i say like i wish i was unalive or i wanna unalive myself (im actually not) all i get is like "help is here" online. and then i cant even talk to my parents because ik they are not gonna help. i guess i just wish that i die natually soon somehow according to fate's orders. i even feel like the people who commited suicide has a lot of courage to end it all or maybe they really have no more hope. this world sucks. i have no guts to actually kms cuz it hurts bro, i mean if i can die painlessly maybe that's the way idk. i sometimes rly feel like my presence doesnt matter and even if im gone from this world there isn't much difference, not like im some kind of supernova that when i die ill get broadcasted and the world will know that a beautiful star has rised to the sky, my job is probably easily replaced, it's not like im the only person who can do this one and only job. i will be forgotten eventually, maybe brought up seldomly but it's all in the past. what is there to live for? just to suffer? if life is like this, going to work, going home, wake up, go to work, home, weekend, repeat. what is the thing that pushes you to keep going? the only two weeks vacation out of 365 days off boredom? your hobbies that you sometimes no longer feel motivated to do simply because you lost your passion and inspiration. the 10 seconds of excitement when you receive your package but then it all returns to normal? there is a lot more in the future that awaits for me, but there is also a lot that will never wait for me, being able to live my dream life, working at my dream job, enjoying what i do as a job, having passion and actually feeling motivated to work hard and grow. i feel insensible to growth, why do i have to improve myself? for what? promotion? talking to people exhausts me. not because other people suck, but because i suck, i overthink about what i did, how i behaved, why am i being such a nuisance. why am i being so petty that they aren't liking my story, why do i want them to do this when i cant expect them to do this. why cant i accept the fact that im not their best friend and i cant discuss everything and anything with them immediately and they'll repond timely and understand what i say and say what i want to hear. i hate socializing in public space, everything is so fake. you make connections to give yourself better opportunities in the future. what is there to talk about when the laptop screen is brighter than my future, and it's on the lowest brightness. everything you talk about is superficial, sorry im not a normie like everyone else. sorry i dont enjoy sports and love traveling and have the financial capability of traveling and say that i love traveling because i have the ability to travel, sorry i dont work out and enjoy working out, sorry im not an extrovert who enjoys learning about other people and talking to them. sorry that im so sensitive and im so incapable of doing things and have such low self-esteem. will you be sad if i die? idek who's reading this.
also there are live devils living in the basements right not paying rent for a very long time and my parents won the case and they are supposed to leave by themselves but they won't and we had to file an eviction order but they still wont leave nor pay rent of course so my parents are going to fight them verbally which i honestly dont know anymore. first of all last time it happened it got the police involved, as expected, because the beloved devils called teh police, and as the only fluent english speaker of the household i had to translate for both sides. and of course thepolice does absolutely fucking nothing cuz all they care about is crimes or physical fights so they tell us to lve the alone, thanks ♥ but of course my parents aren't satisfied with that so they love to go have a talk with them one sidedly. i cant be anymore stress and i really hope i cant be out of this. but being their family member and being part of this family somehow automatically makes me a part of this issue as well, i had to translate their "notice" to the tenants/devils, be the one to "protect" my mom, for what? im so done. i dont wanna do this anymore. please stop fighting. i hate this world (because i got dragged into this again since they got in a fight and my mom fell and police and ambulance was called and of course i was the translator, translating itself is fine, but i had to face the commanding and aggressive tones from both the police and my parents since i was not simply a translator, i had to listen to the police talk to me in a commanding tone saying "DO NOT LIE TO THE POLICE. OH THERES A CAMERA, NOW ARE YOU GONNA TELL ME IT DOESNT WORK. WHERE IS THE KEY, BECAUSE IF YOU HAVE THE KEYS YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT OTHERWISE ITS STEALING." i was not there at the scene so i was purely translating, my mom said she put the stuff outside the police: "THIS LOOKS LIKE ITS CLEARLY THROWN OUT, STOP LYING" mom: "it became like this because of the fight" the police just doesnt believe whatever we say and im the one hearing all of this and translating while my mom was feeling unwell, the devils call the police first. e ren xian gao zhuang. and i told my dad that like you dont want to be involed in an altercation cuz this might make the situation worse and right now its favoring them cuz they called the police first. my dad: thats why i told you to get your phone and call the police, i wasn't even at the scene, dont you have your phone with you? i dont have my phone right beside me 24/7 in my room but u were near the scene and you come to me to get a phone? why dont you call the police?
every time too, if i show any sign of tiredness or annoyance or not wanting to do this it's treated as if i dont want to help my parents, or idk my mom gets mad at me for showing this emotion. yes i might not want to help out cuz im tired of being in your problems when it honestly has no connection with me, rental is your business, i have no say in how you operate yet im here to translate for you, then you expect me to automatically accept this and help you willingly because i am blood-related to you and an "important family member" i won't forget about that, this to me sounds like you're saying that because i am an adult and part of this family now i am part of your issues that you know you might face due to renting business and all business has risks. i also sincerely don't understand the dynamics between my parents, it feels like because you're now married everything is shared property, my dad does rental business and he handles most of the communication and maintenance but my mom gets mad at me for showing tiredness after making many phone calls between my dad's tenant and my dad and a professional for a wasp nest at the property, many times. and showing any sign of tiredness is as if i dont want to help out. if you tell me to do it i still do it, but i cant show opposition because im your daughter.
my feelings are never heard. they're always dismissed and any tears is treated as weak, worthless. after i made the call for my dad and to the professional and to the tenant i cried a little, my own cycle will rotate between crying then sleep then wake up and i return to square one, my mom enters my room, sees my red eye and says what is there to cry? you're an imporant family member now, is your tears that worthless? what if i tell you that i hate living like this and i hate being here. i hate being dragged into this and i hate talking to people. talking to YOU, it's exhausting to try to communicate thoughts with you or my feelings or what happened at work or with friend or whatver, because i always feel like you don't really care. i really don't feel any sense of family. i was never the family-oriented person. and that's fine, i just wont tell you anything, lower my expectations. am i a masochist? why is it that i always feel like talking to you about things when i know the response won't be what I thought it will be, I know.
after the police incident too, i cried. it's scary, cuz one sec i thought my mom was gonna have health issues then im translating between my parents and the police while hearing their aggressiveness and going into the ambulance car and translating, good that there's no major health concerns. and thank you to the paramedics lady who asked me if i was okay, i almost cried again. i go back to my room after it's over, i cry. mom enters my room again, to show how she got a bump on her head which she doesn't know how it came to be, along with my dad. she saws my red eye, you cried? proceeded to discuss the incident with my dad in my room then left. what was the purpose? to show me the bump? like yes im concerned for your health, but can you ignore the fact that i might have cried if you're not gonna help with my crying situation? every time you see me cry you do nothing but put salt to the wound. why do that? just ignore me?
it's ok my friend told to accept that they won't try to understand you. it's ok i will just stop trying to ask them to think about my feeling since we're simply blood-related therefore we are living together and socializing otherwise you would normally never live with people who are 30yrs older than you because there's a difference in thought process since you're born at different times and different experience. just be immune to them. earn money, get a job, and get independent. i need to actually get a job after masters.
